U.S. Rep. Brian Bilbray

50th District Representative Brian Bilbray has become famous for his remark that authorities will be able to spot illegal immigrants in Arizona by their clothing. Escondidan Jenifer Leiendecker couldn’t resist the opportunity to write the following humorous commentary…

See Rep. Bilbray’s comments

Bilbray’s Gift of Garb
by Jenifer Leiendecker

I read a North County Times article on April 24, 2010 regarding the new Arizona law and Congressman Brian Bilbray’s comments with interest and fascination. It is not often that someone comes forward admitting they have a sixth sense-especially an elected representative-capable of identifying an illegal immigrant by the clothes and the shoes that they wear. What an exceptional gift. I began to wonder if I possessed this talent. It is something I never thought to explore prior to reading Bilbray’s remarks.

I took to the streets of Escondido, driving around town and analyzing people’s dress. Within moments, I spotted a young boy, about 15, walking home from school. His shorts had horizontal stripes, while his shirt had vertical stripes. Surely, no legal resident would dress like this. Could it be that I, too, had the gift of garb?

Not to be so quick to put myself in the same category as Congressman Bilbray, I decided that I needed to further test my abilities and proceeded to the nearby grocery store to scour for more illegal immigrants.

I pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store, and relying solely on my newly discovered perception, scanned the parking lot. My eyes were immediately drawn to a young man who had his ear pierced with a large circular object, resulting in an elongated earlobe. According to the Discovery channel, this earlobe-stretching ritual marks the beginning of puberty and is performed by many African tribes. This illegal immigrant had sailed across an entire ocean to get here.

I proceeded into the grocery store. I spotted a senior citizen with no notable signs of foot or ankle swelling wearing slippers, a belt less boy displaying his underwear in its entirety, a woman with bleached-blonde hair and blue eye shadow wearing spandex. I actually encountered 5-year-old Princess Jasmine from Aladdin in her princess outfit, dancing about in the candy aisle as if she were in a whole new world; she had used her magic carpet for illegal purposes.

My powers were now completely obvious to me. Like Congressman Bilbray, I was able to identify illegal immigrants not by the color of their skin, but what I perceived to be sloppy, unfashionable, or inappropriate dress. Like Congressman Bilbray, I was now a believer in tossing out fourth amendment rights because fourth amendment rights are overridden by this sixth sense that we both possess, and undoubtedly, that all law enforcement officials in Arizona possess as well.

Upon my return home, I reviewed the discussion segment on NCT’s website that pertained to this article. I read several comments from people who stated that people with brown-skin would be the only ones subjected to the Arizona law. I whole-heartedly disagree, because every illegal immigrant I had encountered upon my endeavor was light-skinned, and I only took notice of this after I had determined them to be undocumented.

I also realized what good company I was in. There were many insightful comments, and though I am sure that these people do not possess the same extrasensory ability to the same degree that Congressman Bilbray and I do, I will be using their knowledge to sharpen my own ability: ranch murderers do not wear suits and ties, illegal aliens pound on their chests and scream for all to hear, “I want to be your leader!”, and the most telling sign of all that a person is an illegal immigrant is the use of an umbrella when walking down the street when there isn’t a cloud in the sky.